ThoughtsOfAnEnglishMajor

My thoughts on life.

Archive for the category “Gay”

I Sit

In the morning, I sit. I wake up, climb out of bed, and I sit. My posture is slouched, my mind blank; I simply sit. Ideas are not zooming from one side of my brain to the other, but I still feel as if I am contemplating something amazing. It is this moment that I want to be my subconscious. I want to be the person inside of me that I’ll never know. For as long as I am me, I will never know my subconscious. That’s a strange concept for me to try to wrap my head around. It’s strange not because of the complexity of neuroscience, but because I can never know who I am when I’m not paying attention. For all I know, I could be a marvelously mean man who is bitter at everyone and everything, and the person the world sees is simply his facade to get through it all. Perhaps, my subconscious feels transgendered, but it too shocked and appalled by the outside world to let me know how he feels. Maybe I’m exactly the same, but the possibility of me not being the same is something that baffles me entirely. So in the morning, I sit. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’m waiting. Maybe I’m hoping that one day I’ll discover who I am when I’m asleep.

Self-Worth

Fight for yourself. Know that you are worthy of love from a slew of sources: family, friends, lovers, humanity as a whole, but most importantly, yourself. In life we find ourselves in many different situations, interacting with people from different backgrounds, interpreting philosophies, combining, ideas, and creating this emotion that we call love. Too often we search for this in other people and the things in our lives. We struggle to remember the simple fact that we are our own fountain of happiness, our own center of love. Everything in your life is nothing more than a reflection of you own self-worth.

Every relationship I have in my history has been a learning experience. All in all, they get better as I move on, grow, and discover ever more discerningly what I am wanting in not only a relationship, but in myself. This feeling of never knowing yourself fully, due to the fact of change, is as liberating as it is terrifying. Often, people will combat the question, “What do you want to do?” with a more philosophical approach saying, “Who do you want to be?” However, I have no idea what I’ll be doing, or who I’ll be. I can only live in the present. I can only soak in the current moment like the dry cracking soil of the Serengeti.

You are not just worthy of love or happiness; you are worthy of greatness, high expectations for yourself and the people around you, respect from your peers, and the knowledge that you are stronger than any environment that could surround you. As a gay kid who grew up in a tough financial setting, who was in a very conservative environment, who took care of a family member that struggled with addiction, who managed to keep it all together for the public eye, I realize the feeling of unworthiness. However, I also obtain knowledge, coming from the pit of my gut, that I am worth something; I am worth love. Amazingly, you are too.

 

You are Beautiful

When going through life, often times, our self-image and self-respect are ruined. We idolize the wrong people, try to blend into the crowd, we take our uniqueness for granted. At one point in my life I thought like that. I fought tenaciously to not be noticed or heard.

Life is silly. It offers us these wild adventure rides where the only admission is hope in the unknown. We pay the toll, hop on the ride, and are ultimately disappointed in the end. At first, we think nothing of it. It’s normal. However, after several rides, we start to get discouraged and then comes the crazy part. Instead of seeing fault in the ride, in the journey, in the rollercoaster of events, we find fault in ourselves. We focus in so finely on the outline, the general shape, that we miss all the stuff inside.

I’ve come to realize through many events in my life that life, even in its confusing moments, has purpose. However, it has only been within the last week that I have learned another valuable lesson; I am beautiful. You are beautiful. We as a people are beautiful. Whether you’re male, atheist, straight, catholic, female, jewish, asian, gay, or muslim, you are beautiful. No matter your creed, race, religion, you are an amazing being with unlimited potential. You can change the world. You can do great things. You are special. You are loved.

I am different. I like to smell drinking glasses when I pull them out of the cupboard. I have no idea why, but I do. I enjoy cleaning and find it theraputic. I have a great fear of geese. I am, at times, very loud. I am addicted to junk food. I am who I am. You are who you are. Despite the self confidence proclaimed by my outward appearance, I have been not had a high self-image. Today, however, I think I will look in the mirror, make eye contact with person I see not the person the world has seen, and will say, “You are beautiful.”

Think About It..

Just a little while ago a man by the name of Ryan James Yezak released a video to promote awareness of the lack of gay rights in the country. Its other goal is to bring attention to a documentary that James was making detailing those discriminations within our society. I have a few things to say, but I really ask that you watch this video. It will take up five minutes of your day. I ask that you watch this with an open heart and think about it..

I was raised in a country where the members of Congress, the President, and the American people wanted a seperation of church and state. In fact, this country’s founders, despite what many people want you to believe, was founded by people who were tired of religion in government. So why is the notion of gay people marrying still even a debate within politicians’ minds? Because, there is bigotry. Simply put, in its most unrefined definition, people don’t like people different than themselves. Often times, this mindset is most prevelent in religon.

It was the idea of religion, you know the one about “its in the Bible”, that people used to counteract the abolition of slavery, women’s equal rights, and cross-ethnic marriages. It was those people, who do not have their scientific facts together, that scared the country into thinking all gay people had HIV, and that they shouldn’t give blood, semen, or bone marrow.(By the way, all of those statutes are still in place today.)

There is fear of the unknown; I get that. I understand the tiny, yet overwhelming, thought that enters one’s brain and can disrupt an entire life’s worth of thinking. I know what its like to be afraid, scared of thinking, scared of acting, scared of being who you really are. I have been afraid for many years, petrified really. I can connect with the idea of losing everyone, everything, around you.

To have walls is normal, we all build them. We lock people out; our ideas and thougths are our hostages. We take a single thought, decipher it, reword it, reword it again, and again, and again. We try our best to take that thought, which doesn’t fit into society, and make it fit. We polish it, buff it, chip off the rust; we make it look as good as we can. Then we release it into the world.

I can remember the first time I had the thought that I liked boys. I was in third grade. I remember quite clearly that I not only wanted but needed to be around him. I wanted to kiss his cheek so badly. Then as I grew, those unexpressed thoughts became stronger but so did the hatred for gay people.

I come from a divorced home where half of my family is Catholic and the other half Protestant. Needless to say, I have been exposed to the traditional Christian menatality concerning gay people. I have heard the bashing, experienced the bullying, and have been one of those kids who contemplated suicide. I’ve hated myself. So, I prayed. I prayed every night for years. I hoped God would take this away from me, this sin.

Yes, I am Christian. I believe in a God that loves his creation. I believe that all people are his creation (that also includes gay people). I believe that one day we will be judged for our actions, lack of actions, hate, and love.

It has taken me this long to announce proudly that I am gay. I was born gay. It is not a choice. So, for those of you who want to start pointing the finger, let me ask you a few questions. Why would I choose a life where I can’t marry, can’t adopt kids with my husband, can’t give blood or bone marrow? Why would I choose a life where people spit on me, are afraid of me, look down upon me as if I am the dirt they walk on? Why would I risk loosing friends and family? Why would I choose this?

Also, you say this is a sin. The Bible calls it an abomination. You seem to miss the other verses where shelfish, leather, short hair, and showing skin are also an abomination. You seem to miss the verses where kids are stoned to death in the town square for disobeying their parents, or brides are murdered because they aren’t virgins on their wedding day. You say this is a sin. Therefore, you say its a choice. If my homosexuality is a choice you have to accept that sexuality as a whole is a choice. So tell me, when did you choose to be straight?

I am the happiest I’ve ever been, and I hope that one day the feelings that I have for myself, and who I’m becoming, will be the broadcasted message to gay youth. Being gay does not mean you will live a horrible life without family or friends. No, being gay means you will live like everyone else, get a job, have fun with your friends, and find someone that you love. That person will just be the same gender.

Let your light shine in the darkness to be a guide for others. Love.

Marriage Equality: It’s Simple

In the past week, marriage equality has taken center stage across the nation with the ban of gay marriage in North Carolina and the announcement by President Barack Obama supporting same-sex marriages. In fact, it seems to be the central social issue for the coming election.

The fact that this “issue” is even an issue astounds me and leaves me flabbergasted. This should not even be a debate in a country that guarantees the pursuit of happiness. There should be marriage equality in this country regardless of the people being talked about. So whether you are black, Muslim, atheist, gay, Buddhist, Christian, Native American, or if you believe that ducks create magic clouds full of money you have a right to marry.

The rights of my fist end where the rights of your nose begin. I particularly like that phrase. It is so symbolic of the ideology on which this country was founded. Meaning: I can do whatever I like; it is my right. However, once my right to do what I want interferes with someone else’s right then I am limited. This mentality seems to be manipulated by ridiculously conservative Christians to say that a same-sex marriage affects a heterosexual marriage. How? After all, those two people are still going to love each other with or without the document. So by not allowing them to marry, their love is not crushed just their spousal rights. How do the spousal rights of one couple, heterosexual or homosexual, affect another couple?

The United States of America has always striven to have a defined line between state/federal policy and religion. This is something that the founders thought necessary after being under such oppressive religious intolerance. This includes Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Mormonism, Atheism, Satanism, and any other religious organization. So the arguments proclaiming homosexuality being condemned in the Bible, which is also another argument, is completely irrelevant to the marriage debate because the argument is strictly about the legal document. If you don’t want to have a gay marriage in your church, that’s fine. But to deny the legal document, that grants special privileges to two people who have chosen to live their live together as one, is preposterous. After all, we allow atheists to marry who think Christians are loony and don’t believe God has anything to do with the institution, or that God even exists.

Now, I am a Christian. Obviously, I don’t fall under the general consensus of the Christian population. But anyway, I believe that Christians in this country are far too entitled. Why their personal religious beliefs should be shoved down the throats of all of America is unknown. It is easy for Christians to want a “Christian America” because that is all they have known. However, who’s to say that in 50 years the majority of policy makers won’t be Islamic; it is the fastest growing religion worldwide. I wouldn’t want any other religion in government, and if I apply that mentality to other religions, I must apply it to Christianity.

After those bullet points have been address, one might wonder what else is left to debate. Quite honestly, any other argument is just a last-ditch attempt to keep a separate but equal mentality in the country. This debate is bigotry at it’s finest. Marriage equality needs to be written into federal law. It should not be left up to the states. Otherwise, half of this country would still ban interracial marriage.

Sure, the definition of marriage is changing. It has always been changing. It went from men owning wives and concubines to same race marriages all with many different interpretations in between. Now, we need to define marriage based on what is experienced, that’s love. Now, for those of you about to make the argument that bestiality and polygamy are examples of love please just take a second. In the issue of gay marriage we are talking about two individuals of the same species not more than one person of an interspecies marriages So, please stop trying to make the argument that the next thing will be people marrying goats; I doubt that will happen anytime soon.

If you like what I have to say or don’t like it but find it interesting, sign up for the email list or follow me on twitter @vaughn93. Please leave a comment! However, know that I will only host comments that are respectful and allow for communication, no bashing of thoughts of ideas.

In short, let people live their lives in peace. They are simply asking for equal rights; they don’t have some agenda to take over the world. Love.

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