ThoughtsOfAnEnglishMajor

My thoughts on life.

Archive for the category “Fun”

You are Beautiful

When going through life, often times, our self-image and self-respect are ruined. We idolize the wrong people, try to blend into the crowd, we take our uniqueness for granted. At one point in my life I thought like that. I fought tenaciously to not be noticed or heard.

Life is silly. It offers us these wild adventure rides where the only admission is hope in the unknown. We pay the toll, hop on the ride, and are ultimately disappointed in the end. At first, we think nothing of it. It’s normal. However, after several rides, we start to get discouraged and then comes the crazy part. Instead of seeing fault in the ride, in the journey, in the rollercoaster of events, we find fault in ourselves. We focus in so finely on the outline, the general shape, that we miss all the stuff inside.

I’ve come to realize through many events in my life that life, even in its confusing moments, has purpose. However, it has only been within the last week that I have learned another valuable lesson; I am beautiful. You are beautiful. We as a people are beautiful. Whether you’re male, atheist, straight, catholic, female, jewish, asian, gay, or muslim, you are beautiful. No matter your creed, race, religion, you are an amazing being with unlimited potential. You can change the world. You can do great things. You are special. You are loved.

I am different. I like to smell drinking glasses when I pull them out of the cupboard. I have no idea why, but I do. I enjoy cleaning and find it theraputic. I have a great fear of geese. I am, at times, very loud. I am addicted to junk food. I am who I am. You are who you are. Despite the self confidence proclaimed by my outward appearance, I have been not had a high self-image. Today, however, I think I will look in the mirror, make eye contact with person I see not the person the world has seen, and will say, “You are beautiful.”

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Think About It..

Just a little while ago a man by the name of Ryan James Yezak released a video to promote awareness of the lack of gay rights in the country. Its other goal is to bring attention to a documentary that James was making detailing those discriminations within our society. I have a few things to say, but I really ask that you watch this video. It will take up five minutes of your day. I ask that you watch this with an open heart and think about it..

I was raised in a country where the members of Congress, the President, and the American people wanted a seperation of church and state. In fact, this country’s founders, despite what many people want you to believe, was founded by people who were tired of religion in government. So why is the notion of gay people marrying still even a debate within politicians’ minds? Because, there is bigotry. Simply put, in its most unrefined definition, people don’t like people different than themselves. Often times, this mindset is most prevelent in religon.

It was the idea of religion, you know the one about “its in the Bible”, that people used to counteract the abolition of slavery, women’s equal rights, and cross-ethnic marriages. It was those people, who do not have their scientific facts together, that scared the country into thinking all gay people had HIV, and that they shouldn’t give blood, semen, or bone marrow.(By the way, all of those statutes are still in place today.)

There is fear of the unknown; I get that. I understand the tiny, yet overwhelming, thought that enters one’s brain and can disrupt an entire life’s worth of thinking. I know what its like to be afraid, scared of thinking, scared of acting, scared of being who you really are. I have been afraid for many years, petrified really. I can connect with the idea of losing everyone, everything, around you.

To have walls is normal, we all build them. We lock people out; our ideas and thougths are our hostages. We take a single thought, decipher it, reword it, reword it again, and again, and again. We try our best to take that thought, which doesn’t fit into society, and make it fit. We polish it, buff it, chip off the rust; we make it look as good as we can. Then we release it into the world.

I can remember the first time I had the thought that I liked boys. I was in third grade. I remember quite clearly that I not only wanted but needed to be around him. I wanted to kiss his cheek so badly. Then as I grew, those unexpressed thoughts became stronger but so did the hatred for gay people.

I come from a divorced home where half of my family is Catholic and the other half Protestant. Needless to say, I have been exposed to the traditional Christian menatality concerning gay people. I have heard the bashing, experienced the bullying, and have been one of those kids who contemplated suicide. I’ve hated myself. So, I prayed. I prayed every night for years. I hoped God would take this away from me, this sin.

Yes, I am Christian. I believe in a God that loves his creation. I believe that all people are his creation (that also includes gay people). I believe that one day we will be judged for our actions, lack of actions, hate, and love.

It has taken me this long to announce proudly that I am gay. I was born gay. It is not a choice. So, for those of you who want to start pointing the finger, let me ask you a few questions. Why would I choose a life where I can’t marry, can’t adopt kids with my husband, can’t give blood or bone marrow? Why would I choose a life where people spit on me, are afraid of me, look down upon me as if I am the dirt they walk on? Why would I risk loosing friends and family? Why would I choose this?

Also, you say this is a sin. The Bible calls it an abomination. You seem to miss the other verses where shelfish, leather, short hair, and showing skin are also an abomination. You seem to miss the verses where kids are stoned to death in the town square for disobeying their parents, or brides are murdered because they aren’t virgins on their wedding day. You say this is a sin. Therefore, you say its a choice. If my homosexuality is a choice you have to accept that sexuality as a whole is a choice. So tell me, when did you choose to be straight?

I am the happiest I’ve ever been, and I hope that one day the feelings that I have for myself, and who I’m becoming, will be the broadcasted message to gay youth. Being gay does not mean you will live a horrible life without family or friends. No, being gay means you will live like everyone else, get a job, have fun with your friends, and find someone that you love. That person will just be the same gender.

Let your light shine in the darkness to be a guide for others. Love.

Dance

I am starting off this post begging those few loyal followers to forgive me for my tardiness in writing new posts. The last two weeks were finals, and I seriously had to commit to my studies.

With the closing of the year, I am feeling so many different emotions. I feel like a pregnant lady in the mall who finds out she has to start shopping in the maternity section. At first though there was only one looming feeling that has been anchored into my heart. Sadness.

Over the course of nine months, I have gained so many new friends. I have grown more than anyone could ever imagine. I have changed. So much so, that the group of friends I have surrounded myself with have ultimately changed my life. and I couldn’t imagine my day-to-day life without them. To begin to think about leaving them was something I was dreading. And so the emotion-packed excursion began.

First, one friend trickled out. I wasn’t that sad, not because I didn’t care about them, but because their leaving was not real inside of my head; it hadn’t set in. Then another left and another and another. With each friend, the emotions rose. However, it wasn’t until my hour-and-a-half drive home that I broke down and started to bawl. Then, a song came on my ipod that seemed to change my thinking.

Now, call me corny or cheesy, but I believe everything in life has a great meaning and purpose. The song “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack seemed to be translating that great message. Yes, I know it is about leaving the one you love and hoping the very best for them. I know; I bought the song. But, in this situation, it seemed to be applicable to me and my posse.

I realized that in four months time I will be right back to listening to stories that will cause me to cry with laughter, and telling stories of my own summer adventures. I will continue to grow and live life, as will my friends. I want them, not to be thinking about me, but to be enjoying one of their last summers as young adults. I want them, pardon the expression, to dance. Yes, I will miss them, but I know that four months will fly by as fast as first semester.

Spring Break

There is a girl in a bikini passed out in the sand. The sun is beating down on hundreds of drunk faces. Two guys with beer bellies, the size of the kegs they are drinking out of, are screaming at the top of their lungs yelling, “2012 BABY!!”. There is a couple separated from the group due to the fact that their tongues are half way down the throats of the other. The cool water is providing a release from the sun’s intensity. There is that one girl with sunglasses that could be used as an umbrella dancing in a circle by herself. And lastly, there is the juice-head guy that wants to pick up anything that he thinks could demonstrate his sheer, mindless, power. This is Spring Break.

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”- Anne Bradstreet

Spring Break, for many, is a time of wild parties, flowing alcohol, random hook-ups, and many lies to parents. It is, arguably, the biggest cathartic release of the year excluding New Years Eve and President’s Day. I know that in my circle of friends alone that a very large percentage are currently sitting on a beach, walk the streets of New York, touring Beijing, catching lobsters in Maine, gazing at the great landscape of Montana, or catching the trolley/train thing that’s in San Francisco. Spring Break means fun. Spring Break means vacation.

I want to describe another scene now. This scene is not nearly as glamorous and may scare young children. Viewer discretion is advised…

The flash of light through a window wakes the man. A breakfast consisting of burnt toast and poorly mixed chocolate milk awaits him. His day is full of heat, sweat, lack of water. Instead of lounging in the pool with a beer, or shot of tequila, he is on top of his garage roof cutting branches of trees that endanger the power lines. He has to kill rabbits with a pencil he sharpened just to have lunch. His calloused hands aren’t soothed by lotion. He goes to bed early and wakes equally early. This is Spring Break.

The second scene presented has been an accurate, slightly stretched, retelling of my first college Spring Break. No, it hasn’t been pretty. It hasn’t been the ideal break that many students dream of as the week approaches. However, it is good. Spending time with family, getting more than 4 hours of sleep a night, lounging in my recliner, and eating home-made meals has been an oasis from the college dorm living. I cannot be more thankful for how much I have been blessed in my life. So I raise my glass (that is full of kool-aid), and take a drink for everything in my life. Cheers to freakin’ weekend.

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