ThoughtsOfAnEnglishMajor

My thoughts on life.

Archive for the category “Excuses”

You are Beautiful

When going through life, often times, our self-image and self-respect are ruined. We idolize the wrong people, try to blend into the crowd, we take our uniqueness for granted. At one point in my life I thought like that. I fought tenaciously to not be noticed or heard.

Life is silly. It offers us these wild adventure rides where the only admission is hope in the unknown. We pay the toll, hop on the ride, and are ultimately disappointed in the end. At first, we think nothing of it. It’s normal. However, after several rides, we start to get discouraged and then comes the crazy part. Instead of seeing fault in the ride, in the journey, in the rollercoaster of events, we find fault in ourselves. We focus in so finely on the outline, the general shape, that we miss all the stuff inside.

I’ve come to realize through many events in my life that life, even in its confusing moments, has purpose. However, it has only been within the last week that I have learned another valuable lesson; I am beautiful. You are beautiful. We as a people are beautiful. Whether you’re male, atheist, straight, catholic, female, jewish, asian, gay, or muslim, you are beautiful. No matter your creed, race, religion, you are an amazing being with unlimited potential. You can change the world. You can do great things. You are special. You are loved.

I am different. I like to smell drinking glasses when I pull them out of the cupboard. I have no idea why, but I do. I enjoy cleaning and find it theraputic. I have a great fear of geese. I am, at times, very loud. I am addicted to junk food. I am who I am. You are who you are. Despite the self confidence proclaimed by my outward appearance, I have been not had a high self-image. Today, however, I think I will look in the mirror, make eye contact with person I see not the person the world has seen, and will say, “You are beautiful.”

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Think About It..

Just a little while ago a man by the name of Ryan James Yezak released a video to promote awareness of the lack of gay rights in the country. Its other goal is to bring attention to a documentary that James was making detailing those discriminations within our society. I have a few things to say, but I really ask that you watch this video. It will take up five minutes of your day. I ask that you watch this with an open heart and think about it..

I was raised in a country where the members of Congress, the President, and the American people wanted a seperation of church and state. In fact, this country’s founders, despite what many people want you to believe, was founded by people who were tired of religion in government. So why is the notion of gay people marrying still even a debate within politicians’ minds? Because, there is bigotry. Simply put, in its most unrefined definition, people don’t like people different than themselves. Often times, this mindset is most prevelent in religon.

It was the idea of religion, you know the one about “its in the Bible”, that people used to counteract the abolition of slavery, women’s equal rights, and cross-ethnic marriages. It was those people, who do not have their scientific facts together, that scared the country into thinking all gay people had HIV, and that they shouldn’t give blood, semen, or bone marrow.(By the way, all of those statutes are still in place today.)

There is fear of the unknown; I get that. I understand the tiny, yet overwhelming, thought that enters one’s brain and can disrupt an entire life’s worth of thinking. I know what its like to be afraid, scared of thinking, scared of acting, scared of being who you really are. I have been afraid for many years, petrified really. I can connect with the idea of losing everyone, everything, around you.

To have walls is normal, we all build them. We lock people out; our ideas and thougths are our hostages. We take a single thought, decipher it, reword it, reword it again, and again, and again. We try our best to take that thought, which doesn’t fit into society, and make it fit. We polish it, buff it, chip off the rust; we make it look as good as we can. Then we release it into the world.

I can remember the first time I had the thought that I liked boys. I was in third grade. I remember quite clearly that I not only wanted but needed to be around him. I wanted to kiss his cheek so badly. Then as I grew, those unexpressed thoughts became stronger but so did the hatred for gay people.

I come from a divorced home where half of my family is Catholic and the other half Protestant. Needless to say, I have been exposed to the traditional Christian menatality concerning gay people. I have heard the bashing, experienced the bullying, and have been one of those kids who contemplated suicide. I’ve hated myself. So, I prayed. I prayed every night for years. I hoped God would take this away from me, this sin.

Yes, I am Christian. I believe in a God that loves his creation. I believe that all people are his creation (that also includes gay people). I believe that one day we will be judged for our actions, lack of actions, hate, and love.

It has taken me this long to announce proudly that I am gay. I was born gay. It is not a choice. So, for those of you who want to start pointing the finger, let me ask you a few questions. Why would I choose a life where I can’t marry, can’t adopt kids with my husband, can’t give blood or bone marrow? Why would I choose a life where people spit on me, are afraid of me, look down upon me as if I am the dirt they walk on? Why would I risk loosing friends and family? Why would I choose this?

Also, you say this is a sin. The Bible calls it an abomination. You seem to miss the other verses where shelfish, leather, short hair, and showing skin are also an abomination. You seem to miss the verses where kids are stoned to death in the town square for disobeying their parents, or brides are murdered because they aren’t virgins on their wedding day. You say this is a sin. Therefore, you say its a choice. If my homosexuality is a choice you have to accept that sexuality as a whole is a choice. So tell me, when did you choose to be straight?

I am the happiest I’ve ever been, and I hope that one day the feelings that I have for myself, and who I’m becoming, will be the broadcasted message to gay youth. Being gay does not mean you will live a horrible life without family or friends. No, being gay means you will live like everyone else, get a job, have fun with your friends, and find someone that you love. That person will just be the same gender.

Let your light shine in the darkness to be a guide for others. Love.

Yeah, I’m Single, So What?

Why is it that I cannot open a book, turn on a television show, or have a conversation with someone without seeing or hearing about how awful it is being single? The single guy on the sitcoms is always creepy, and the single girl is always desperate. Why do we gravitate on having someone?

Before you start judging me and thinking of me as a shrill, bitter, and pathetic guy who is just venting about not being able to get a date, hear me out. I am just trying to figure out why we, as a society, put so much pressure on finding our “other half.” Personally, I love being single. Sure, there are those times where having someone to share your world with, cuddle you, or just talk to you in the wee hours of the morning are nice, but not necessary. I mean what is this “you complete me” crap anyway? I’m sorry, but if you are not complete, in and of yourself, then there is no way I’m going to enter into a relationship with you knowing you’re off your emotional rocker. (OK, I must admit that the paragraph did sound a little shrill and bitter, let me try a different approach.)

I feel like half of the want and “need” for a relationship is instilled into our minds from everyone else who is in a relationship so we can join in their misery. I mean let’s just take a look at the relationships around us and see what they get us. Sure, Jack and Jill are the perfect couple, always holding hands, groping each other, but every time you invite them anywhere they cancel because they have to attend to their “soul mate.” So, their social life goes down the drains. Then we have Dan and Denise, they are the on again, off again couple that requires a scoreboard to see who is winning their most recent fight. They consume themselves with how they can one up the other person and blab on and on until you pull out all of your hair. Thirdly, there is James and Jennifer, they seem like normal people who hang out, still have a good relationship, but give each other space. However, seven months into the relationship James finds out that, even though he was cheating on her the whole time, she was too and both of them are so heartbroken they don’t know how they will ever cope.

This is the reason why I am so happy with being single right now. Of course, I want a relationship someday and I want someone to be there for me. And no, I am not nearly as crabby about love and relationships as this post makes me seem. However, I am not one to be in a relationship just because its been three months, the television says I’m incomplete, or someone is bragging about their great relationship. I think the mentality of using someone else as a crutch to stop dealing with ourselves is the exact reason why so many relationships fail, the divorce rate is so high, and people are generally unhappy. I have this odd idea that you should only start dating someone when you are crazy about every aspect of them not because Dr. Phil says so.

A Child Is Listening

Jeesh, I bet he does nothing with his life. Gosh, she sure is a “lady of the night”. Oh man, he is probably shooting up right now. There is no way she has any friends. Man, they’re fat. Oh yeah, he’s gay. She is definitely anorexic. I just know he cheats on his girlfriend.

Judgments are made throughout the whole day. As humans, it is innate to be reading every surface, person, and place with our eyes and pass a judgment on it. I understand this because I am equally guilty of it. Even when I am not vocal about my verdict, I am filtering through the images to make a quick decision about someone at a much deeper level than my eyes could possibly read.

Stereotypes. This is what the pompous, high horse, mentality is based on. If a woman is slightly masculine, then she has to be a lesbian. If a person dresses in all black, then he/she is probably casting a voodoo spell on us as we speak. If a person comes from a Hispanic background then they obviously are good at manual labor. These moronic ideas help fuel the hate, discord, and lack of effort from opposing views that has influenced the deconstruction of the American promise; all men are created equal.

After being the victim of bullying at a young age, I have a very good understanding of the impact that a single voice can have on the emotional development of a child. It is actually quite amazing to me that hundreds of praises, pats on the back, and standing ovations can all be erased by a single negative comment of a pimply faced 7th grader. These impacts last a lifetime.

It has come to my attention that a movie, “Bully” is going to be released on Friday. This documentary film follows the paths of many young students who fall victim to malicious bullying. The film has amazing potential to reach out, touch, and change young people who do not realize the impact of their words and actions. The cycle of bullying, like so many other problems, can only be stopped through education of the young. It is the teaching of our youth today that influences the adults of tomorrow. My hope is that this film can be the much needed wake-up call to a society full of people obsessed with placing their moral, spiritual, economical, and political views on each other, and that a respectful communication can be established that allows freedom with disagreement.

I believe Mary Griffith said it best, “So, before you echo “amen” in your home and place of worship. Think. Think and remember a child is listening.”

Spring Break

There is a girl in a bikini passed out in the sand. The sun is beating down on hundreds of drunk faces. Two guys with beer bellies, the size of the kegs they are drinking out of, are screaming at the top of their lungs yelling, “2012 BABY!!”. There is a couple separated from the group due to the fact that their tongues are half way down the throats of the other. The cool water is providing a release from the sun’s intensity. There is that one girl with sunglasses that could be used as an umbrella dancing in a circle by herself. And lastly, there is the juice-head guy that wants to pick up anything that he thinks could demonstrate his sheer, mindless, power. This is Spring Break.

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”- Anne Bradstreet

Spring Break, for many, is a time of wild parties, flowing alcohol, random hook-ups, and many lies to parents. It is, arguably, the biggest cathartic release of the year excluding New Years Eve and President’s Day. I know that in my circle of friends alone that a very large percentage are currently sitting on a beach, walk the streets of New York, touring Beijing, catching lobsters in Maine, gazing at the great landscape of Montana, or catching the trolley/train thing that’s in San Francisco. Spring Break means fun. Spring Break means vacation.

I want to describe another scene now. This scene is not nearly as glamorous and may scare young children. Viewer discretion is advised…

The flash of light through a window wakes the man. A breakfast consisting of burnt toast and poorly mixed chocolate milk awaits him. His day is full of heat, sweat, lack of water. Instead of lounging in the pool with a beer, or shot of tequila, he is on top of his garage roof cutting branches of trees that endanger the power lines. He has to kill rabbits with a pencil he sharpened just to have lunch. His calloused hands aren’t soothed by lotion. He goes to bed early and wakes equally early. This is Spring Break.

The second scene presented has been an accurate, slightly stretched, retelling of my first college Spring Break. No, it hasn’t been pretty. It hasn’t been the ideal break that many students dream of as the week approaches. However, it is good. Spending time with family, getting more than 4 hours of sleep a night, lounging in my recliner, and eating home-made meals has been an oasis from the college dorm living. I cannot be more thankful for how much I have been blessed in my life. So I raise my glass (that is full of kool-aid), and take a drink for everything in my life. Cheers to freakin’ weekend.

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I Deserve A Break

Um..I think I am just going to write this blog later. I can always work out tomorrow. I could probably wait a couple of days before I NEED to start studying for the exam. I deserve a break. These thoughts, or thoughts like them, run through my head all day now that I am on my own. Procrastination is something I think many people struggle with in their day-to-day lives. So much so, I am pretty sure the American Medical Association declared it a disease(Don’t quote me on that). Whether or not it is a medical issue, doesn’t seem to dampen our moans and groans when it hits us in the face; when it cause us to stop everything we’re doing.

“Procrastination is something best put off until tomorrow.” ~Gerald Vaughan

So what are the symptoms of this silent killer, you ask? At first you are extremely motivated, in fact, you would never know that some evil was lurking around the corner. However, once you are content with actually doing the work it is too late for it is nothing but a lie that your body believes. Second, while starting the project, you start thinking about how long it will take to actually finish the task in its entirety. After working very hard for thirty minutes, you decide that you should reward yourself for putting your name at the top of the page and remembering the date without looking it up. So, the social networking sites grab your attention and hold it for ransom. Two and half hours later, once you’ve found out Theresa’s baby’s name, the type of tattoo Jimmy got, and the color that your aunt chose to paint her living room; you can move to picking out the “right” song to help you work faster. As if  John Legend is really going to help you solve the Calculus problems. And so, the cycle will continue and continue until there seems to be no hope.

Children, you can stop crying. Random woman in the street, you can stop screaming. Mob, holding pitch forks and fire, you can get back to other mob things because I found out the secret thing preventing the procrastination monster from making you another victim in its path to world domination. The trick is to fight fire with fire. Although, water with water would work too. We need to procrastinate procrastination.

Whether you or I like it or not, we are nothing more than our minds and our will power. So if procrastination takes our will power, our aimless minds are left there to fend for themselves. So procrastinate procrastination by allotting the same amount of time you would normally visit the social sites, watch T.V., trim your fingernails, or whatever else you would do. However, do it all at once after you’ve accomplished your task instead of taking “breaks” throughout. That way you still get want you want, and I find it relaxes you right before bed which translates to more sleep.  It also helps when you’re not stressing about all the things you failed to do because you were to busy looking at what J. Lo was doing on her Wednesday afternoon.

I am no doctor, but I believe this tip will help you; I can say this because I have applied this trick to my life. Although, I am writing this blog at 4:30 in the morning instead of doing a Biology lab due later in the day. After all, I do deserve a break.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”~C.G. Jung

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